No dessert July

May 20, 2015 Del Mar_-18

 

I don’t know what it is about me that I have to go all out when I do something related to changing my diet, and eating better.

Don’t I know that consistency is best? That slow and steady wins the race? That fads don’t work? And juice doesn’t count as a meal?
Well, apparently, if I DO know these things, I don’t care about them.

I’m at it again.

And this time, the girls are coming along with me.

May 20, 2015 Del Mar_-26

It’s no dessert July.

If any of you recall, the last time I did this, it was NO SUGAR.

Much different, much harder.   That meant no fruit, no carbs, no anything made with flour. No can find anything worth eating after the first day of this diet.   On that diet, I gave up sugar for 21 days. It was a detox. And the word detox is just an ugly, nasty word, isn’t it?  If you have to detox, you’re going to be in a bad state.  It almost killed my family (because I was a raving bitch). And I thought it almost killed me, 12 hours into it.

Let’s take a little walk down memory lane….oh how lovely.

I started on a Monday. So on Sunday, I did what any normal person about to start a sugar diet does, I gorged myself on candy. Why? Because it was in the house, and I needed it not to be in the house, so I ate it, to get rid of it.

So sensible I don’t even know why I’m talking about it.  Anyone Everyone would do the same.

Monday, I woke up at 5:00 to go to work at 6:00. I have a cup of coffee every single day, with Peppermint Mocha Creamer….God I could use a cup right now, is that bad? It’s 8pm….is this day ever going to end?  Anyway, my coffee.. it’s really a cup of creamer with a splash of coffee. But I love it, and it works, as in it actually lures me out of bed to go drink it. But this day, no creamer. So I had coffee with some sugar free sweetener, whichever one is not the current cancer causing agent, and milk. Not even worth pouring in my cup let alone pouring into my mouth,  but a good start to the damn diet. Happy that I didn’t cheat with the very first thing I put in my mouth.

At work I felt ok for the first few hours, up until we started rounding on the patients, around 9:00. I kept excusing myself to go sit down. I had to put my head between my knees because I felt so dizzy, and I started to feel worse as the morning went on.  After 3 times of going to the back room and sitting down, it finally became apparent I could not continue with rounds.

I went to the (absolutely disgusting) bathroom and hung out there because I thought I was going to vomit. I was so nauseous I couldn’t stand up. There was no place to sit. And I was hot. I must have had a fever. So I did what no one wants me to admit I did. I lay down on the tiled bathroom floor, because I needed to not be standing. And when I felt how cold the tiles were, I put my cheek down on it. Yes that’s right, my face cheek. My face was on the disgusting tiles that possibly have never, ever, been cleaned. Ahhhh….I can still remember how awesome that felt. It was the one good thing in that absolutely horrible couple of hours. And I will tell you, I’m SURE there was old urine and feces and whatever else on that tile. Sure of it, because it’s a disgusting staff bathroom that gets no love. But who cares, that cold tile felt marvelous.

Suddenly, I’m up and off the tile, and puking violently into the toilet. Over and over. Til I’m weak. Weak enough to consider napping on the bathroom tiles when I’m done throwing up, until I feel better. It sounded reasonable. Actually, more than reasonable, it sounded enjoyable. Just lay my face back down on the tile and rest. Get up when I can, and go home then. I was convincing myself. And I was agreeing. Until I actually do lay back down, and the tiles feel freezing. So freezing cold, I have to get up and get off of them, and I can’t stop shivering.

I make my way back to the team of doctors, NP’s, residents, interns, medical students, nurses, nutritionists, you name it. They are all still there, rounding on the patients.  I walk up to the other NP and tell her I have to go home. I threw up. She tells me I look green. I tell her I’m going through sugar withdrawal because I’m on that sugar diet. And detox is a killer. I have to go home to wait this out. I’m speaking sort of garbled, because I don’t want to open my mouth too wide and have her bowled over by the smell of my vomitous breath. So I’m pretty sure she hears me, but she’s looking at me funny and nodding her head. Just go home she says. Feel better.

I somehow get to my car, to my house, and to my bed. And I sleep there for hours. When I wake up, it’s late, around 4:00, and things have gotten worse. I keep running fevers and now have an excruciating sore throat. I want to see the doctor, but it’s too late today. I barely make it through the night, and get to my doctor’s office in the morning. I have strep throat.  I’m thankful for this diagnosis, because I can start antibiotics and recover from this. Sooooo much better than the alternative diagnosis I was so sure of yesterday….days of fevers, vomiting and pain, just because I stopped eating sugar.

So obviously, the no sugar diet did not make me violently ill, but I like to think it did. I still tell the story about how my sugar free diet gave me strep throat.

And still, I do it again. And here I am, again, 8 days in.

No dessert July.

Not NO SUGAR.

Just no dessert.

I want to cheat, at work there is candy everywhere. But I won’t because I’m making the girls do it with me. And they can’t cheat. They have no means. And they wouldn’t either. It broke me down to hear that their babysitter Heather took them to Starbucks before going to the beach on Tuesday. She ordered cake pops for them. And then Harper said “it’s no dessert July. We can’t have those”. So they got vanilla steamers instead. No whip.

What a good girl. And I think about how I eyed the m&m’s (that I brought in from my own house!!!) on the table at work, and practically had to leave the room to keep my hand out of the bag. What’s one m&m?  To Harper, it would be everything. Because I would have cheated. So I’m doing this.

And what goes along with a better diet??  More exercise of course!

 

May 20, 2015 Del Mar_-33

 

 

So 2 days ago I offered to take the girls on a jog with me.  They always beg to go with me, and I never let them. Because it wouldn’t really be exercise if we all went together. But on this day, I compromise. I’ll take them, because I’m really not feeling like doing a long run anyway.

They are BEYOND excited!!

So they fly into their rooms and spend 13 minutes  picking the perfect outfit.  They need to “match” me, but refuse to match each other, so there’s some negotiating, some fighting, several trips back to see what I’m wearing again and see if I’ve changed. Then they finally emerge with one wearing pink on the bottom, white on top, and the other in the reverse colors. This almost matching but not quite because the colors are swapped seems to please them. So good, one crises avoided. Sometimes a seemingly small crises like that can take down the whole house. But not today. We got lucky.  They look like they’re about to go do yoga, not jog, but I guess if you don’t have to wear a jog bra you can pull that off. And God knows I’m not going to mention anything…or it will be another 25 minute costume change.

Then we stretch.   Lots of laughing. Lots of Twister moves as they somehow end up stretching underneath me as I stretch. And lots of showing off while stretching with a LOT of commentary about how much more flexible they are than me.

We all get our iPods or iPhones, and we’re off!   We mapped out our run, so we’re all on the same page as to how far we’re going. There should be no complaints.

We get started. It’s about 500% humidity. Not sure why. It’s not supposed to be humid here, but hell, it sure is. We step out of the garage and the girls look like they’re melting. They’re already sweating, already sort of complaining (about the heat), and already making me think this was a bad day to start them running with me.

We do it anyway. We run the first part of the loop. They’re excited running past their friends houses, hoping to spot someone outside or through the window. Payton runs ahead and is kicking up her legs so high her heels hit her butt every step. Way to waste your energy. These kids run like kids. They run like they’re having fun. This is exercise girls! We don’t have fun while we run….we just run! Keep your legs down!  We run past the back of the neighborhood where we go to watch the sun set. It’s also where the open space is, with all the trails, and they start to climb down the hill, as usual, to start exploring. I have to coax them back up. This is a RUN! Not a playdate!  God, they’re trying to have fun again! They reluctantly stop digging and return to the pavement.

We start heading down the street that will loop around and bring us back home. The end is in sight. It’s been about 30 minutes, maybe 1.5 miles, and I feel like I did get a little exercise after all.  They start to poop out again. They are falling behind, walking, dragging, losing it.

I am ahead of them, and I have to be, because if I try to run behind them they stop and wait for me.  But if I run ahead of them, I can’t see who’s falling behind. So I run backwards. This works. I am running, I am watching them, and I am cheering them on. I’m yelling about digging deep, and Team Kelley, and girl power!

Harper says “mom.”

Not in an excited way. Not yelling. Not flailing her arms. Not picking up speed. Nothing about the way she says my name signifies I’m about to run right into a parked minivan. So, with such a feeble alert that something ominous is about to happen, I run full (backwards) speed into a parked minivan.

First I saw birds (The bluebird Disney kind) flying around my head.

Then I felt pain in my shoulder, neck and back. My neck felt like I suffered whiplash. And I remember my head thrashing wildly back and forth…in slow motion of course.

Then I get really, REALLY embarrassed.

I was somehow kind of attached to the van, so I unhooked myself without truly knowing how I had become one with it. And then, I peeked into the van. I was SO scared that someone might be in there. If someone was in the van, would we have to assess it for damage? Would he try to make me pay for repairs? I really wanted to be alleviated of all fault, and more than anything, I really wanted no one to be in the van. I got lucky. The van was empty. Then I started looking around at the houses, and the windows, and specifically, the houses of people I know. I didn’t see anyone, but I’m still not sure to this day that there wasn’t someone looking out the window, watching me, thinking SURELY that woman is not going to run into that van, and then seconds later screaming to themselves SHE DID, SHE DID!! She did run into the van! Holy crap I can’t believe what I just saw!!  And those 2 little punks behind her watched her do it with straight faces!  I guess time will tell if that really did go down in one of the houses. I’m sure if you see something like that, and then you see me on the school yard one day, you won’t be able to resist bringing it up. I mean, I wouldn’t! (If roles were reversed.) You bet your beat up, in pain, bruised little tushie I would have run right out of my house to laugh at you make sure you’re ok if I saw you run into a parked car!

So the rest of the “run”, I walked home, dizzy, in pain, embarrassed, answering the question “why did you run into that car?” over and over while I asked THEM over and over “WHY didn’t you stop me?? Help an old lady out!”

No more running for a while.

But some sugar sure would make things feel all better right about now…..

no dessert July

6 comments
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  • Kim Kelley PhotographyFinally…a post making fun of myself, and not the girls. That’s karma baby.ReplyCancel

  • Caroline DavisLet me just take a minute to stop myself from laughing to death! Kim – you are seriously one of the funniest women I know! I can’t believe these entertaining posts are free for my laughing pleasure! Hilarious! Though … Seriously – are you OK? That sounds rough – I’m not sure if the sugar free or the accident sounds worse, but I’m sorry for both! Hopefully you guys will make it through and feel free of the addition by August. Loved the bit about the detox/strep too – you poor thing!!!!!! XoxoReplyCancel

  • Jennifer MacDougallYou are so FUNNY! I need more of these (belly laughs are exercise, right?)
    (P.s. I guess I won’t tell anyone about the piece of Juky 4 candy placed in Payton’s mouth by an accomplice…)ReplyCancel

  • Megan Haakinson BrooksDoes that mean no dessert when you come out here next week? You might have to change your flight to August!!! Will you still eat crepes?ReplyCancel

  • Wedding at the Botanical Gardens - Kim Kelley Photography[…] And if you are not aware of what happens to me when I get strep throat, well, just take a peek at this blog post right here. It’s not pretty, but it will make you forgive […]ReplyCancel

  • Yoga for kids | San Diego Child Photographer | Newborn and Child Photographer[…] with jogging a few months back.  If you DON’T know, well my goodness, you really should check this out. It was not something I’d care to repeat, and so I’ve been trying to jog alone, since […]ReplyCancel

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