losing my mind

This is supposed to be a post about the 365 photos. I have the photos, but I have other stuff to talk about. So I’m going to use this blog post as a means of expressing myself, and getting out there what I want to get out there, since there seem to be no other creative outlets for me on this subject.

I might be turning into one of those people.  The bad kind.

I might be losing my mind.  You might  be talking about me behind my back soon.

Yesterday I was at the OB/GYN. No big deal, did what I went there to do, and was ready to get out. Was a pretty uneventful appointment.

Except for the fact that I had to fill out questionnaires about my health…AGAIN….and I messed them up. Well, the first one went fine. It’s a list of diseases over and over that you check yes or no. I’m almost always NO. So it’s pretty easy. I fly through the questions, keep checking boxes, don’t really think about it.

Then the 2nd page. I’m flying, I’ve got a rhythm, I’m hoping to finish before my doctor comes…one less thing to keep me here after she’s excused me.

Right when there’s a knock on the door, alerting me that the doc is coming, I realize what I’ve done to this second page of questions.

Towards the end, there is a box, slightly highlighted in gray so it sticks out, different font, smaller even, and visibly labeled at the top “For Doctor Use Only”. meaning: stop. Don’t write here. You’re done. Hand in your form.

I kept going. I missed the several cues they gave me that this is not my area to mark up.

And what’s worse, is how mindlessly I checked boxes. These were not yes and no boxes. These were: Ask your patient if she or any family member has ever had/been diagnosed with/thought about/been fearful of getting, any one of these diseases. And if she has, (had one, thought about having one, googled to find out more info in case she has one), make an appointment for her with the team of doctors that takes care of severely sick and dying patients like her. Stat.

I’m an idiot.

This checklist was the “HIGH RISK” checklist of diseases. Illnesses you hope no one you know ever has to suffer from.

I checked EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.  Yes, I admitted to having ALL the high risk diseases.

Polycystic kidney disease-yes

Tay Sachs (found mostly in the Jewish population)-check, got it.

Retinoblastoma-yes, thank you.

Hemophilia-of course

Muscular dystrophy-yes, that too

Stage 4 cancer with metastases, melanoma, breast cancer, ovarian cancer-yes, yes, yes, yes….I’ve got every single type of cancer. yes.

 

I looked back on my work, tried to recall what I might have been thinking about when I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing. I came up with nothing. That’s what scares me. Why did I plow through that whole thing and not recognize what I was doing? I have no idea.

So the doc comes in, I apologize, she laughs it off but later makes a comment about how I’m fine except for the fact that I can’t fill out forms. Haha-ouch.

I’m done. She leaves, I dress, leave soon after her.

I’m totally turned around, it’s a big office, and I followed someone to my room, but there’s no one to follow out, so I just take a step out of the exam room and look around. I see a BIG green exit sign. Perfect! Right next to me, and right next to the check out desk in case I needed to make an appointment, which I do not, so I will not stop there but just head on out…..into the ultrasound room which is pitch black because they are doing an ultrasound in there!!! Holy crap!! The lady (doing the ultrasound? or laying on the table?) yells “excuse me!”. I slam her door shut and slam my foot inside of the closing door and have to limp over to the check out desk to ask her where the exit is. I can’t help thinking that maybe that woman was getting a transvaginal ultrasound, and as uncomfortable as that is to begin with, how anxious would she be now that her exam room door just flew open when she’s got her legs spread and is in quite a compromising position?  Oh I’m so, so sorry! The woman at the check out desk points to the exit door across from the U/S room. So yes, now, in retrospect, I see that the exit sign was kind of pointing in that direction, but it’s directly next to this other door! So maybe you could have put it next to the door I’m supposed to use? But that’s why I’m “that person”.  The idiot who can’t do anything right, but then blames the system for being at fault.

Am I old? Am I that old? Should this be happening already?

I don’t have the answers to these questions, but the answers do concern me.

 

So I’m at hot yoga last night. And she’s telling me to breathe, focus on my breathing, don’t let thoughts creep into your mind, clear it out for one hour and focus on you. Take away the control from the CEO of your body for one hour, and let the heart take over.

So I’m trying, but my thoughts keep coming back to “am I losing my mind?”, and then “Is my CEO stepping down permanently?”, and then a  thought like “Damn, my hips do NOT bend that way, reverse the pose, reverse the pose!” slips in, and then before you know it, I’m wondering how to clean a yoga mat, since I’ve never cleaned mine, and that now disgusts me, and then I tell myself not to think but then think about what I need from Costco, and how to remember what I’m adding to that mental list without actually focusing on remembering those items while I complete my yoga practice. I have the worst time shutting off my thoughts, and maybe that’s why yoga is just an exercise for me, not a mental cleansing. As much as I wish it could be, I have to settle for the workout, with no calming of the mind.

I give up and think about stuff. And what I realize I’m thinking about, is how I wish I could be a writer. I’m not sure why I thought that, except for the fact that I have all these blog posts that are waiting for me to write them, and I actually WANT to write them, enjoy writing them, and work hard on making them worth reading, but I don’t have the time. I want to do it right, so people want to read them, and that takes time, and revisions, and proofreading….all the stuff I want to do, but don’t really have time for.  And I wish I could write something bigger than a blog. Something that makes people really laugh, and tell their friends to read it, something that I could work on for months and months and then be really proud of myself for finishing it.

But I’m kidding myself if I think that will ever happen. I have 3 jobs!! I can’t see adding “writer” to my list of jobs and adding a 4th. So I guess blogging is going to have to be enough.

If I keep acting like a dumbass in public I guess I should have no shortage of material to write about.

 

 

Thanks for listening…..more pictures next time.

 

 

 

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  • Caroline DavisI thought you stopped blogging! Love this – I missed your hilarious and well-written blogs … I have to binge your blog now that I know where to find it!!!ReplyCancel

  • Cooking school | Kim Kelley Photography[…] want more real life horror stories. Like this one: Losing my mind, or this one: The Hair or even this one: sick […]ReplyCancel

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